Having been a barmaid for a number of years now to pay my poor ass through University I’ve become aware of the irritating ways customers can get such a simple procedure as ordering a drink so very very wrong. So, here we go, for all you binge drinkers out there I’ve compiled a list of the do’s and don’ts when you’re standing opposite that smiling bartender…
1) Always order Guinness first. Do you know how long it takes to pour? Don’t hand your money over to pay and then realise you’ve forgotten the Guinness, you will annoy me.
2) Do not doubt a bartender’s intelligence. If they’re like me they’ve been doing it for years and therefore, shockingly, we do have the mental capacity to be able to remember more than two drinks at a time.
3) It is not ok for me to stand round for five minutes waiting until you’ve finished your conversation with the person next to you before you pay. Order the drinks, then pay, then have your conversation.
4) Always know what drink your wife wants before you come to the bar. I don’t have the time, nor the patience, to stand around whilst you shout across the pub and your companion takes another five minutes umming and ahhhing about what she wants to drink.
5) Contrary to my bad hair day appearance I am not a dog. If you bang on the bar to get my attention I’ll make a habit of serving you last.
6) If you’re lucky enough to look under eighteen bring ID. If you don’t bring ID I won’t serve you. DO NOT stand at the bar for another ten minutes pretending to search in your bag for the identification that is blatently not there and then proceed to try and sweet talk me into serving you.
7) Do not stand there and argue with me about the ‘disgustingly overpriced beers in this establishment’. Even if I do sympathise with you which, admittedly, if you’re arguing with me I probably don’t, I do not set the bar prices. I am not the bad guy. Shut up.